For you parents out there who have more than one child and, for better contrast, with several years in between any two kids, this should make a lot of sense. Our lives turned to bliss when Brigham was born. Even the energetic older kids pushed the pause button on the ludicrous speed. I would look at Briggie and think, "Wow, I love you so much. Why do I love you so much? I don't know, but I do know you haven't done anything to make me mad."
A few days or weeks after the novelty of our newest birth wore off, we got back to normal. And I mean the normal that I've been trying to turn into happy times with less success than I hoped for. The short of it is this. The all-too-common complaining and bickering spurts would raise my temperature and then I'd look at the new baby who has never yelled at me and my feelings would abruptly change. Yes, that was a good feeling. I'm not complaining about that for even a (milli)second. The shock was that I have the difficult times and deal with those circumstances with such negative emotion.
It's really sad to me to think that I don't handle life and challenges better than that. I used to handle challenges like the water running off the untouchable duck's back. Now I long for those days and am trying to get that back. Piece by piece. Little by little is better than nothing. And it's been a hard road so far. There has been progress lately and I guess that's why I'm writing this blog post.
This last General Conference had some talks that talked about the problems that come when we hold onto anger, hurt and other prideful feelings. I've heard these different talks just this last week or two so they stuck out. Elder Scott talked about how anger, hurt and defensiveness gets in the way of receiving revelation. President Uchtdorf, in his now-famous "Stop it" talk taught me the following. I'll quote the paragraphs that mean the most to me. I'd like to paste his whole talk in here. It's that good.
Jesus taught: “Forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not … [stands] condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin”3 and “Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.”4
Of course, these words seem perfectly reasonable—when applied to someone else. We can so clearly and easily see the harmful results that come when others judge and hold grudges. And we certainly don’t like it when people judge us.
But when it comes to our own prejudices and grievances, we too often justify our anger as righteous and our judgment as reliable and only appropriate. Though we cannot look into another’s heart, we assume that we know a bad motive or even a bad person when we see one. We make exceptions when it comes to our own bitterness because we feel that, in our case, we have all the information we need to hold someone else in contempt.
Man. This describes me all too well. I have to admit to myself that when my kids are being kids (not making bad choices, I mean just being their learning selves) that my bad reaction does not have to enter the equation. The situation would be better off if I could just chill. I'd also be better off for the time I'd gain back where I, instead, have to cool off.
He said, “… of you it is required to forgive all men.”7
May I add a footnote here? When the Lord requires that we forgive all men, that includes forgiving ourselves. Sometimes, of all the people in the world, the one who is the hardest to forgive—as well as perhaps the one who is most in need of our forgiveness—is the person looking back at us in the mirror.
This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:
Stop it!
So I have some major renovation to do and I've already begun. It's hard. I believe that Jesus the Christ has paid for my sins and felt all the pain that I will ever suffer. He is willing to take that upon Himself because he loves me and He loves you. "Come unto me" comes with a beautiful reward of peace and happiness. Guess what I just realized? It also comes at a price. What price? "I will show unto [you your] weakness" (Ether 12:27). And while I am struggling now, I know from experience that the peace that will come into my life and permeate my heart in the end (and yes, at certain points along the way) will be much higher peaks than the valleys of difficulty.
I take great comfort in at least one point of Christ's doctrine. It is that children under the age of accountability are without sin and are perfect in Him. Skyler isn't even 8 yet so he is, in at least that sense, perfect. As I've watched him make choices I can see that he has the purest intent in everything he does. He is just hard to control.
Control? Yes, apparently that's what I'm after. And it is I who needs to let go.
I am applying the two-word sermon of "Stop it" and I already feel the Lord's tender mercies in my life. Outcomes are not what I would choose them to be. I'm frustrated on a daily basis, but avoiding the buildup of stress and anger is reward enough for the hard work. I hope this weakness will become a strength unto me.
You also need to cut yourself some slack. Sure learn some coping skills. I use visualization a lot. Replaying a situation I handled badly, envisioning myself handling it differently. However, you are not in the same situation you were before. You have been under the stress of school, worrying about a job, trying to be a good priesthood holder, father, husband, etc..... A lot more responsibility to shoulder. I love Jeffrey R Hollands talk from conf. I listened to it this morning, and a specific part struck me--something about letting go of what happened in the past, even the hours just passed and moving on. I don't have time to look it up right now, but you probably know what I'm referring to. You are a good man. Oh, and loose the illusion that you have any control.
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