Humble pie

Today's Sunday school lesson was awesome. It was Alma 5-7, some of the most awesome chapters for self-reflection and self-analysis in light of gospel living in all scripture. They are powerful. Mega. Giga. Tera. Peta. (I'll stop there with the metric stuff.) It was a big lesson with very inspiring material.

I'll get right to the stuff that hit me the most. And I say this with the realization that I haven't been blogging so much about how stressed out I've been. Yes, I've missed some posts lately (I wrote one out of four weeks this past month). That was part of me realizing how much I am trying to do at once and figuring out what I need to let go of. There are so many cool things I want to do and work on. It's easy to come up with new ideas to work on, especially games to design. But I have to say no to new things plus I need to let go of some old and current things.

I'm still not around to Alma's point in today's lesson. Hold on a second. It's really good.

One friend of mine has taught me that I, on an energetic level, need more space. He describes the stress I hold in my neck as feeling pressured and I know I need to make more room for what really matters. At first that meant I could shuffle around how much time I spent on scripture study and give myself more to family time, but that didn't do it. I started saying no to things on my plate, like game development. It's too much right now with my work load and thinking about jobs.

I started telling myself that I'll not work on some things until after I move and settle in. It has helped. It really has. I'm past the stage of relying on the arm of flesh. There's no way I can keep up the load I put on myself so I thought I had given up my desires and was putting the Lord's will before my own. Until today's lesson.

The root of what's getting me is a twist on some of my favorite scriptures. I counsel with the Lord in all I do. Or I think I do. Maybe I've been asking to not be stressed without giving up the lifestyle that brings it on. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart? Lean not unto thine own understanding? Check, check. Really?

No. I'm fooling myself. I can see through Alma's teachings today that envy and a lack of humility have clouded my judgment (there are many more lessons that can be learned from these chapters). It kinda makes me sorrowful that I have let this happen to me. Where did I go wrong? Little by little it happened. Time for change. Again.

Long story short: I gave up radio and TV in high school because I heard in seminary it would make life better. Cut out the junk and fill the holes with uplifting things. Result? Amazing things happened in every aspect of my life. I was the happiest person I knew.

Not today.

I'm working at getting it back though. Counseling with the Lord must be accompanied by the quiet time to reflect and ponder on what He is trying to tell me. A "Go, go, go" attitude crowds out the Spirit. Perhaps I have turned that into "Go, go, slow down slightly," but really need to be "Go, slow, chill!"

Any unexpected thing to do or think about really puts me over the edge. How can I be operating at safe levels when a child's mess or crying puts me into panic mode? Answer: I actually thought I was doing ok. How? I don't watch TV or listen to the radio, but "Go, go, go" has been just as (or more) detrimental. Still, I've been deceived.

This sorta seems like I'm being really critical of myself. That's not how I mean it to come across. But I want to be honest and acknowledge my position before God. It's humbling, but that's the point. My will plus my arm of flesh will fizzle out. God's power and guidance will take me places I would never be able to see or experience. I know that's true. If bearing my soul helps out someone else then it's all worth it.

Thank you, John, for teaching the lesson today. Thank you, Alma, wherever you are. Maybe you are reading this via some Angel app. Thank you to all the ancient American prophets who wrote their testimonies and speak to me as if from the dust. Thank you good friends who have listened patiently as I spout off my problems. Your advice, wisdom and counsel has been worth more than gold. I hope you get an extra snack time in heaven when ambrosia is served in the afternoon.

My eyes have been opened. My heart has felt a change. It is now up to me to cut out a quarter of what I try to do. It's really slowing me down in the long run. I want to have the constant companionship of the Spirit. I believe that can happen if I slow down. "Go, slow, chill!" And keep praying. Prayer is a friend that I can't give up.

Thanks for following me in this journey. If you've felt similar to how I feel and want to tell me or other readers about it, please feel free. :)